The things we think we know

I'm astounded so many times by how stupid I am. Mainly in regards to making plans for myself. To make a long story short, I never, ever know what I'm getting myself into. Or rather, what God is getting me into. So last year I went to bible school in south carolina, 782 miles away from where I grew up. Why? who knows? I went because I thought it was the right thing for me to do at the time, the same reason I do everything I guess. I went because I may have felt a call to "the ministry" (in other words, to be a pastor or something along those lines). So I lasted the first year at bible college, gradually getting the feeling that I shouldn't really be there. Why? who knows? I just didn't feel the need to be there that I felt when I left to go there. I thought maybe I was being called to leave everything. Become an urban monk if you will. Leave all money and food and go live homeless in a city in order to reach the homeless in the city. That didn't happen either, yet, anyway. Somehow I ended up in Minneapolis Minnesota which is 975 miles away from where I grew up. How did I get here? Why am I here? who knows? I know I don't. And I was reminded last night of how little I really know. Last night, I got home from class and a guy is shot dead across the street. What's more, this isn't that unusual. As I watched from across the street before the cops told us to go inside, God whispered something into my ear like He usually does when I need to know something. "I have you here for a reason" He never says much, just what I need to hear. I heard it and didn't think much about it until later. until now. I'm here for a reason? I have certainly forgot that, if I ever really knew it. It's hard to remember sometimes why I've been the places I've been. Why I go to school for a year in sc expecting to stay there for four years at least, and then end up mpls mn the next year. Where will I be next year? What will happen to me while I'm here? Will there even be a next year? What's the purpose for all this? who knows? hmm God knows. Actually, to be painfully honest with you, and myself, He's the only one who does know. Sometimes I wonder why I went to school in south carolina last year, what was the purpose of something random like that? Sometimes I wonder how I ended up here, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see some of my best friends and brothers ever again. Then I'm reminded at times like these, everything happens for a purpose. Every single thing that has ever happened to me, every person I've ever met or even just said hi to or looked at, it all happened for a purpose. I think of chuck in kentucky, is he even alive anymore? I think of aaron, i think of eli, and if he's staying faithful in a new place, I think of scott and where God will take his life, I think of the guys on my hall last year and benito and andre. It all happened for a purpose. Most of those purposes have already been evident to me. ....most. I look back on last year and before that, and alot of my life has already been explained to me by God. He's told me why most things have happened, and why I've been where I've been and met who I've met. Some things He hasn't told me though. He never tells me what I'm getting into. That's for sure. He didn't tell me last year that I would end up here in Minneapolis, He didn't tell me two years ago that I would end up in South Carolina to go to school, but I would only stay there for a year.... I'm reminded of how little I really know. When people even ask me how I'm doing now I'm afraid to answer with anything but, "I have no idea, the only one who could possibly know how I'm doing is God. I never know" And thats just how I'm doing. Let's not even get into how much I don't know and can't know about "future plans". Whatever that is. future plans... thats a contradiction right there. How stupid it is to say that we have "future plans". That's one of the biggest questions too. "Oh your only going through the program for a year? What are plans for next year?" And of course, I never say what I want to... so what comes out of my mouth? "Oh well I think I might stay here and go to the music school in St. Paul for sound engineering". psh, yeah right! Why can't I ever say what I want to say? Why can't I ever actually admit what I know is true? I have no idea where I'm going to be next year! I could be in some other country next year. I could be in jail next year. (gasp!). I could be homeless next year. I could be back at ciu next year. I could be in asheville next year. I could be in heaven next year with Jesus. Who knows? well, God does. I base my whole life on the fact that God knows. or I should anyways. There were times at school last year that I hated life and I didn't see any reason for being there. But then I think of benito and andre and the military ministry at fort jackson. I know the reason I was there now, and I am so thankful for it. I wouldn't trade anything that has ever happened to me in the past for anything else. Even my mistakes in high school or before that, I would never trade them for anything. God used my situation to teach me and grow me and bring me closer to Him, and He didn't only use the situation, He created it. Before time began. So what does this mean for me? What do I do? Well, in light of last night, the thing I know I need to do right now is stop wasting time. I've wasted too much time. There's people I need to say hi to, people I need to smile at, people I need to really talk to, people that need to hear something I have to say. I used to care too. I used to really care alot more when I wouldn't reach out to someone. It would really kill me. Now I've lost it. I guess maybe because it's just overwhelming being here. Man, and now there's guys out there talking through a megaphone about hope and the somalian community and i'm in here blogging. How much is this blog worth? Should I really be sitting here typing? or should I be out there talking to these guys, getting there names, shaking there hands and thanking them for being out there. Gosh, I don't know if I'm ready for this. But I guess if I'm here, God must have thought I was ready. At least ready to come here and not be ready. Ready to come here and be shocked out of the filth i lay in all day. It was a shock to my system last night. Almost like a gunshot. Sent to shake me out of not caring. Well I'm done typing I guess. I feel like I've wasted enough time.